Homework

My CBT homework for this week was to think about the standards that I have set for myself and how their attainment (or not) affects my mood. Here we are then - my soul, laid bare. Be gentle.

I should want to spend more time with my children:

I really try hard with this one because I feel that they can tell I don’t really want to be with them. It is the constant demands that I find so draining, especially when we are all together and I am the default option. I feel like shouting “you have TWO parents!” at them, and sometimes I do. This makes me feel worse - they probably only had a simple request - but I find it very hard to be at their beck and call constantly.

I should enjoy spending time with my husband:

This is a tricky one. I’m not sure how much of this comes from me and how much comes from him. Given half the chance I would probably disappear every evening and sew or something. I feel that the closer he tries to get to me the more I pull away.

I should be able to look after my children by myself:

Because other people can, and I have to be at least as good, if not better, than everyone I know.

I should be having better sex:

Because other people are. Allegedly.

I should be happier:

I have a good life, a husband who loves me, three healthy kids, and yet I have depression. I should slap myself around the face a few times and get over it.

Everything I do should be perfect:

I’m getting a little less strict about this one, but things still have to be pretty near perfect. If they aren’t I point out their inadequacies to every one who cares to look.

I should know everything without being told:

Because "I am a genius", and that’s what clever people do. Clearly this gets me into some sticky situations because I don’t actually know everything. I will pretend damn hard though, given half the chance.

Back to the therapist tomorrow. I'm nervous.