Bursting the balloon

On holiday for ten days with the husband and kids. I feel like I am drowning, suffocating. I have to put on a brave face for their sakes - when we get home all hell can break loose, but the children deserve their holiday to be perfect. It might be the last one together.

The past year has set wheels in motion. Wheels that were rusted tight with denial. Now there is no getting away from the unstoppable train. It's just a matter of time.

And then I see the children with their father and it breaks my heart. To tear apart the family for my own sake - it is almost more than I can bear.

But if I don't start listening to my own feelings, my own needs, I will end up like my mother. A lifetime of antidepressants and affairs - neither of us deserve that. He deserves someone who loves him, and that just isn't me. It's been half my life - 17 years. I want the next half to be on my terms, with love and hope and joy in my heart.

What I want

I want to be swept away. I want to feel again. I want there to be a point to the rest of my life. A point for me, not just for other people. I want fire and passion.

And I want happiness.

Is that so much to ask?

No harm, no foul

Lying awake, unable to sleep, mind wandering. Wandering to places better avoided. Places that include people I shouldn't be thinking about; scenarios I shouldn't be thinking about.

But CBT has taught me not to use the word "should" anymore. There is no "should". Those are unrealistic expectations.

These things are only in my head, right?