On why I am not eating

Let me just get this straight - I have never had an eating disorder before, and I would hesitate to define my current issue so strictly, but there is something deeply wrong with my relationship with food. I lost a lot of weight last year in the worst phase of my depression. I didn't want to eat, and that in turn became the only thing I felt I had any control over. I considered it a bad day if I ate anything at all before 2 pm; a terrible one if I had anything vaguely approaching a normal meal at any time. If you took all the food I consumed in a 24 hour period and put it on a plate it would not have added up to anywhere near one single meal.

I should add that I was pretty thin to start with, so now I was looking pretty damn skeletal. Did that stop me? Don't be daft - I liked the way my clothes fell off me; how my hip bones stuck out; how I couldn't sit on a hard chair. To make matters worse I was lying to people about how much I had eaten - pretending to the husband that I had eaten with the kids.

I know this is all wrong, and unhealthy - both physically and mentally - but there is a part of me that can't stop. I have put back some of the weight but now I find myself continually worried that I will gain it all back. I'm still not eating enough. I never eat before lunchtime, or mid afternoon if I can manage it. I lie about what I have eaten and when; but most tellingly for me I feel guilty if I do eat - as though I have to make up for it the next day.

I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to want to stop.